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Week of
4/20/03 Monday –
“Meaningless, Self-indulgent, Introspective Tripe” As a rule, I try to avoid writing entries focused on my depression. It reminds me too much of bad, dull, and pointless DeadJournals mostly about how dull and utterly pointless life is. However, I do attempt to create a medium in this blog that conducts my emotive state in a way that is concrete, approachable, and not utterly dull. Well, I am a depressive, and as such, my emotive state does tend toward that arc of the color wheel. Yesterday, I ordered pizza for Erik and I online from www.pizzahut.com and accidentally picked the wrong crust. When this was discovered I went upstairs and hid in the bed. I felt I was going to cry. Erik had to rip the blankets from off me to get me out, but I just kept pulling them back up. I really felt like too awful a person to even bother him with the fact of my presence. I know how terrible and whiny that sounds, but it is a real emotion. My favorite moment from Wayne’s World is when Wayne and Garth get on their knees and chant, “We’re not worthy.” Though I try to not show it, this sort of sentiment effects every decision that I make. I think I am a no-talent bum who is not worth the consideration of the intelligent, bright, talented, artistic people with whom I surround myself. I have even felt guilty about receiving a high mark on papers, because I simply feel that I am not worthy, rather that anything I could produce is not worthy. I need constant, verifiable proof of my worth in order to maintain a working level of motivation, and I can’t live without it. previous week – top – blog home – discuss – next week |
All original material © 2003 Erika Salomon.
