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Week of
4/13/03 My mother named me for the most beautiful woman she ever met. As a child, this was flattering; it made me feel as I was the most beautiful girl in the world and that I would grow to be the most beautiful woman in the world. I suppose that on some level I am that for my mother; I am her daughter. But as I have grown up, my feelings about the significance of my name have changed. I’ve grown depressed, gained weight, and lost confidence. My mother hasn’t helped. I try not to think about this much, so it is hard to write about, but (run-on) my mom certainly has put pressure on me to lose weight. No more than a couple of weeks will go by that she doesn’t mention something. Sometimes she asks if I go to the gym; other times she just tells me I should go to the gym. When I go to Jersey, she almost always tells me that my clothes are too small or tries to buy me new ones. She says the pants she bought me, that are so big I can hardly wear them with any shirt I own (the waist is too low) look “slimming” on me. I think they look “roomy.” They’re comfy, for sure, but they make me look grossly large, because they hang so far out from my thighs. She has been concerned about her own weight for years; she was on and off Weight Watchers when I was a kid. I suppose that she is attempting vicarious weight loss through me. Still, this is one of the reasons I don’t go up there very often. I planned on spending as much of my spring break there as possible, but just had to get out of the house when she put pressure on me to do my homework. When I told her that I was going home, she told me that “this is home.” No, ma, I live in Maryland, now. previous week – top – blog home – discuss – next week |
All original material © 2003 Erika
Salomon.
